Suspicious Sludge?: Swamp Creature Roams Slate Creek

Students have recently reported sightings of a mysterious “swamp monster” in Slate Creek. All individuals on campus are advised to remain alert, as the monster is said to be hostile.

“This creature is our number-one concern,” said Security Chief James Gordon.  “It doesn’t even have a parking pass.” 

This is the first time this creature has appeared on the Pitt-Greensburg campus. The monster seems to be nocturnal, residing in the creek during the day and wandering around at night. One student, who wished to remain anonymous, shared what they witnessed.

“I just wanted to get some coffee at the coffeehouse to do some late night procrastinating,” they said. “As I was crossing the bridge, I saw a duck being submerged in this pile of weird goo. A few seconds later, the only thing left was feathers.”

The swamp-being appears to be omnivorous, mostly feeding on the vegetation in the creek, with the occasional snack of any animal or campus administrator that happens to stand too close to the water. 

Another student, who had been observing the creature, shared a more close-up experience, arguing that it may be more passive than people make it out to be. 

“Yeah, that thing will eat anything that breathes and walks,” they said. “But I swear that every time it consumes an animal, it seems… sad.” 

How a blob-like being can display any sense of emotion, let alone sadness, is unclear. However, the student is certain. 

“Maybe it just needs a friend, or a hug,” they said. “Everyone deserves a friend… and I think I’m gonna become its first one.”

During the interview, the student, who felt emotional from their own declaration, dove into Slate Creek in search of their new slimy friend. 

They have not been seen since. 

In concern for the people (and many ducks) that have gone missing, a fence is scheduled to be built around the creek on April 1. 

“We’re on it,” Chief Gordon said. “Once we crack down on all those parking violations.”