Xenomorph Unleashed in Oakland: Did We Learn Nothing?

* This article was featured in our 2022 April Fools’ Day issue. This story is not real and was created solely to entertain.

The CDC has Pittsburgh under quarantine after Pitt’s Department of Laboratory Animal Research obtained an odd egg-shaped organism from the site of a UFO crash. 

After further study, it was discovered that the organism was thought to be a fictional ovomorph from the Alien Franchise. It is no surprise that even with all possible precautions in place, there has now been an outbreak of xenomorph creatures across Pittsburgh. 

There have been many fatalities as a result, and the xenomorph creatures are running rampant throughout the city. The quarantine procedures prevent surviving people from evacuating the city. Because it’s impossible to tell if someone has been infected with the fatal “chest-burster,” the government will not allow anyone to leave or enter the city. 

The military will soon be moving against this threat but have given some tips and tricks on how to survive in the meantime. 

If you see an egg, do not approach it, and leave as quickly as possible. The xenomorphs have acid-blood, so beware trying to remove face-huggers from friends or family with tools. It’s too late for them. 

Newly emerged xenomorphs are afraid of fire, but fire does not kill them. Stay quiet and hide somewhere with little to no ways for something to enter or exit. 

Humans, however, are not the only way for the xenomorph to reproduce. Lock and contain all animal shelters. The Zoo has been directed to put all animals into their enclosures to prevent the xenomorphs breeding with any species that could become hard to contain. 

Hopefully, this threat will be contained before it has a chance to spread out of the city.