* This article was featured in our 2022 April Fools’ Day issue. This story is not real and was created solely to entertain.
After a petition signed by over 1,000 students and faculty, Pitt’s new Life Sciences building is being changed mid-construction into a miniature Idlewild and SoakZone.
The main engineer for the Life Sciences building is now being replaced by a theme-park enthusiast and roller coaster engineer, James Briddy.
“I’m excited to be a part of this new project. We’re putting in a water slide for the students called the ‘Science Slide.’ It’s a tribute to science since we are completely vetoing the whole science whatcha-ma-call-it building,” Briddy said. “I think the science students will like the fun slides better anyway.”
Not everyone agrees. An anonymous parent of one of the Pitt-Greensburg students wrote on the comment section of the Pitt-Greensburg website:
“This is a DISGRACE. My child CAN’T SWIM. She came home crying yesterday saying that her peers were making fun of her for not being able to join them at the future water park. Unacceptable.”
This one comment began a chain of replies, including engineer Briddy, who tried to help the mother find a solution.
“The Pitt Lazy River being installed will only be three feet deep. She can wear floaties and doggy paddle in that. If she can’t swim in three feet of water, she should probably add swimming lessons to her college classes,” Briddy replied.
Aside from the Lazy River, the theme park will also include multiple rollercoasters. However, due to budget cuts, the roller coasters will not have seatbelts.
When asked how the park will ensure safety during rides, Briddy simply said, “Just hold on.”
Self-proclaimed “frat boy” and business major Chad Brad voiced his opinion on the seatbelt-less rollercoaster.
“T-B-H [To be honest], I don’t really care if there’s seatbelts. I’ve been working out at the gym like, all day everyday, so I have crazy grip strength,” Brad said. “If a rollercoaster did like a sick loopty-loop I’d be able to hold on for sure ahaaaaaa.”
Although the park is still under construction, get ready to slide into a fun new school year next fall when the Idlewild and SoakZone is predicted to be finished.