We Live on a Floating Pyramid
by Maggie McLeod
* This article was featured in our 2022 April Fools’ Day issue. This story is not real and was created solely to entertain.
It has now been confirmed by Bill Nye the Science Guy (Bill! Bill! Bill!), that we live on a floating pyramid. Not a flat earth. Not even a round one. We live on a pyramid. But the story doesn’t end there.
Bill Nye began his research by running to the edge of New Jersey where the United States apparently ends and the ocean begins.
Nye agreed to be interviewed only on the condition that his words are printed in all capital letters to ensure everyone knows he’s “screaming at them.”
“THEY’RE LYING TO US,” Nye said. “WE DO NOT LIVE ON A FLOATING ROCK. WE LIVE ON A FLOATING PYRAMID.”
When he ran to the edge of New Jersey, he discovered something unparalleled to any scientific discovery he’s ever stumbled upon in the past. Instead of the ocean, he saw the edge of a pyramid structure. And even more shocking, Pennsylvania is on the tip of the pyramid, right at the top.
Nye said that ever since he found out we live on a pyramid, he hasn’t been able to sleep.
“I DON’T REALLY SLEEP ANYMORE. I JUST FLY OUT TO SPACE ON JEFF BEZOS’S SPACESHIP AND TAKE REAL PICTURES OF THE PYRAMID,” Nye said.
Nye explained that there are government officials, potentially CIA agents, trying to stop him from revealing this information to the public.
“THEY TRIED KILLING ME IN MY SLEEP,” Nye said. “LUCKILY, I ALWAYS CARRY NUNCHUCKS ON ME, SO I FOUGHT THEM OFF LIKE JACKIE CHAN.”
During his interview with The Insider, Bill Nye pulled his nunchucks out of his pocket and began whipping them around to “show off the moves he used against the CIA.” He then gave himself a black-eye.
Although he may come off as a crazed-man who is possibly facing the side effects of growing up in the 70s, his discovery has actually been backed by much of the scientific community.
Fred Stoneflint, a mechanical engineer, analytical chemist, and inventor of the self-driving car stated the following,
“He’s actually right,” Stoneflint said. “We are living on a pyramid structure. The cavemen were the first to discover it! I found hieroglyphics showing that we live on a floating pyramid.”
Fred Stoneflint left us with one last warning.
“Yabba-dabba-don’t fall off the pyramid and start floating into the ever-expanding universe filled with black holes and the unknown,” Stoneflint said.
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