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UPG is Cloning Nursing Majors in New Life Sciences Laboratory

by Suzie McCarthy

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Students and faculty have suspected for years that UPG has been cloning individuals but have only just now received proof. UPG has finally got its hands on the newest piece of cloning technology known as the Cosmic Cloning Consolidator.

On March 23, 2023, a herd of identical students emerged from the doors of the Life Sciences Building. Students and faculty looked on in horror as they heard a symphony of different letters of the alphabet. 

Junior Jeena Walters said, “It was horrible. We were just eating our Papa John’s on the roof of Smith Hall when we heard the low hum of ‘D, E, F, R, J’ and the thud of a thousand footsteps. We looked over to where it was coming from and saw them— I’ll never be the same.”

The faculty seemed to be more prepared with waffles as a form of bait to lead them away from the school.

Dr. Emitt Rook, professor of Tiny Objects and Tea time said, “I heard a clamor at the new Life Sciences building. A few other professors and I ran outside and went into action, tossing hundreds of frozen waffles towards the woods, leading the herd away. Our number one priority is our students’ safety.”

Pitt police were then directed to round up the herd and bring them back to the Life Sciences Building.

Pitt-Greensburg President Yolanda Trench later sent out an email stating that the school has been cloning Nursing Majors to help combat the nursing shortage since Covid. UPG recently received a grant that included one Cosmic Cloning Consolidator to be used to lessen the deficit of nurses in the U.S.

The Cosmic Cloning Consolidator is capable of cloning 500 specified subjects in a matter of hours. Some subjects have been noted to be missing ears and toes.

Trench said, “The identical students from the Life Sciences Building were actually Nursing students undergoing rapid education when someone accidentally let them loose. They were only about three hours old when released.”

Cloning has been a trivial subject and has a wide range of potential adverse effects. Many cloned subjects report being unable to speak normally but instead only sing the alphabet out of order.

The singing seems to be a Morse Code only understood by the identical students. Both faculty and staff have begun communicating with the identical students only to learn they are well-versed in nursing practices and knowledge.

April 1, nine days after the incident, the identical students are now fully integrated throughout the campus. They have greatly improved their communication skills and blend in on campus very well. 

“These clones will pay tuition and we can count them in our enrollment reports,” Trench said. “It’s a win-win for Pitt-Greensburg and the world.”

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