Sayonara, Starbucks: The Coffee House is Getting Rid of Starbucks
by Sone Ekukole-Sone
To all the Starbucks addicts on campus–it’s time for you to withdraw because our beloved Coffee House will no longer supply caffeine to satisfy your addiction.
“I can’t live without Pumpkin Spice Lattes,” Lily Rhodes said. Rhodes is a sophomore Creative & Professional Writing major. Rhodes wrote a poem about her love for coffee, which was published in a Pittsburgh magazine.
The decision to terminate Starbucks boiled down to the fact that the university is adding a new coffee service that they think is better than Starbucks. The Coffee House will start serving Folgers Coffee in the fall.
“We’ll only serve black coffee and none of that fancy stuff with cream on top,” Sabrina Haller says. Haller is an employee at The Coffee House and she supported the university’s decision to get rid of Starbucks. “To hell with all those venti caramel crunch Frappuccinoes with extra pumps of dark caramel sauce, bananas, whipped cream, extra ice, honey blend and caramel drizzle!”
Rhodes, whose other favorite drink is a venti caramel crunch Frappuccino with extra pumps of dark caramel sauce, bananas, whipped cream, extra ice, honey blend and caramel drizzle, says, “Seriously? How could that be bad for me?”
Studies have shown that black coffee provides several health benefits and the university wants to ensure that students are happy and healthy. There have been a number of recent articles, detailing the effects complicated Starbucks drinks have on a young mind.
Dr. Mordecai Webber, a nutritionist professor at Harvard published a journal on how Starbucks coffee negatively impacts students.
Webber conducted a survey with several Harvard students about the correlation between Starbucks drinks and poor performance on exams. The students who failed their exams were heavy Starbucks drinkers, particularly students who drank venti caramel crunch Frappuccinos with extra pumps of dark caramel sauce, bananas, whipped cream, extra ice, honey blend, and caramel drizzle.
Webber created another survey and used students, who only drank black coffee. These students performed well on exams and were healthier overall.
“Starbucks is ruining this generation and we want students to excel in all areas of their life,” President Bob Gregerson said.
Rhodes and a handful of students are planning a protest in Village Hall before they can take down all the Starbucks drinks.
“I consider this to be very unconstitutional. Give me Starbucks or give me death!”
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