April Fools: Trump’s Second Term: A Totally Real and Definitely Not Concerning Update

Well, folks, he did it again. Despite all odds (and a couple of indictments), Donald J. Trump has been elected to a second presidency, proving once and for all that reality is simply a poorly written TV show. Now, two months into his second term, it’s time for a much-needed update on what’s been happening in the land of the free and the home of the deeply confused.

First on the agenda? Relocating the White House. That’s right, Mar-a-Lago is now the official seat of government.

“Honestly, it just makes sense,” Trump said in a press conference held poolside, wearing a red USA bathrobe and aviator sunglasses. “Why waste time in cold, swampy D.C. when I’ve got the best golf course in America right here?”

He then refused to take further questions, citing an “urgent tee time.”

In a bold move to cut costs (and annoy the Supreme Court), Trump also declared that all legal decisions would now be decided by Twitter polls.

“Judges? Overrated. Juries? Slow. The people should decide,” he tweeted before launching a poll titled “Should pineapple on pizza be a federal crime?”

It has since been flagged as misinformation.

Meanwhile, Congress struggles to function after Trump introduced his newest policy: the “Live” Style Legislation Act. Under this system, every proposed bill, you guessed it, must be pitched on live television.

And if it doesn’t meet Trump’s standards, he simply says, “You’re fired,” and vetoes it. “It’s facilitated the government like never before,” he said. “I don’t even have to read anything.”

Globally, Trump has allegedly set his sights on buying the moon because it has “huge potential” for real estate development.

“It’s just hanging around. Not doing anything. Sad,” Trump said to reporters.

NASA officials tried to clarify that the moon is not for sale, but this has done nothing to deter Trump’s ambitions. He started trademarking “Trump Lunar Towers” and is getting a gold-laminated spaceman suit ready. Elon Musk is reportedly very interested.

As we continue into the rest of his term, Americans are left optimistically cautious (read: emotionally exhausted). You adore him, despise him, or have simply accepted that reality no longer applies, but here’s one thing that’s for sure: We are in for one hell of a term.

Stay tuned, and let the Wi-Fi signal that is democracy remain strong.