* This article was featured in our 2022 April Fools’ Day issue. This story is not real and was created solely to entertain.
As I write this from a half-eaten laptop I ask you, have you read a book today?
Books are now striking back against technology by using their readers to attack and destroy their battery-powered foes.
There have been reports of people mindlessly entering technology stores and destroying, even eating, the merchandise inside. Law enforcement and doctors scratch their heads, unable to come up with a plausible reason as to why people are turning into technology craving zombies. Until now.
A book called the “Uprising of Words” was mass-produced and sent to the most populated cities of the country. There is no author, and officials say they cannot trace where the book came from. The book details a story of how people are brainwashed by the pages of literature to destroy the written word’s number one enemy: technology.
Many laughed at the ridiculous story, but those who picked up the book and read it with their own eyes were soon filled with this terrible need to destroy anything powered by electricity.
This has caused numerous house fires, and hospitals are being slowly filled with patients who bit off more than they could chew on their smartphone or computer.
The Department of Defense has released a warning to stay away from the book. It’s feared that these books will be sent out again.
Until the source of their production can be found, they warn against touching the book with your bare hands and to burn it without looking at its contents.