New Stories

Halloween’s Unofficial-Official Candy

by Ali Dimoff

A pile of the Halloween favorite known as candy corn. sugar, health, carbohydrates, fat, color, stock, msnbc stock photography, orange, halloween, holidays, fall,

Candy corn is the quintessential fall candy. Whether you eat it, or dump it into a pumpkin candy dish as decoration, one thing is certain: you went from bland to a-maize-ing.

Although it is a tricky treat, hateful souls, who complain it’s too sweet, just don’t know what they’re missing in their lives. To anti-candy-corn folk, you haven’t eaten enough of it, or you wouldn’t be so bitter. You likely dislike cilantro, puppies, and winning the lottery.

CC—as I call it, since we’re friends—is a great pal. Mr. Corn (to you) does his best to better himself and everyone he comes into contact with, which is why I will be CC’s running mate this election. CC now comes in a variety of flavors: from traditional, to pumpkin-shaped, to cookie flavored, to caramel, to apple mix, just to name a few.

Candy corn is the versatile candy-date with something to offer for every constituent.

“I just want to make people happy,” Mr. Corn said. “I’m running for president because the current one has left a sour taste in my mouth.”

The world is cruel and dark. Enjoy one little bright spot. Let the white tip of hope welcome you safely to happiness—to America.

Not only will the campaign be cheap, little to no spending will be necessary once Mr. Corn is in office.

Most of Donald Trump’s portraits can remain hanging throughout the White House.

If you squint, it is nearly impossible to tell candy corn apart from President Trump.

It’s as if Mr. Corn was inspired by President Trump’s style.

Mr. Corn’s orange layer is the exact shade of President Trump’s skin; Corn’s yellow layer is eerily similar to President Trump’s hair; and, lest we forget, how similar Mr. Corn’s white layer is to the background of all of President Trump’s tweets.

You don’t need glasses to see the choice is clear: Candy Corn for president 2020.

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