[OUTSIDER] Tired of Stairs? Time to Slide into the New Semester

Pitt-Greensburg has many good things about it, but there is one thing that students complain about most: the stairs between Cassell Hall and Powers Hall. Going up and down these stairs every day becomes exhausting, especially after a long day of classes. 

The school administrators have finally decided that they have heard enough complaining and are exchanging these stairs for a slide. 

During summer break, this new method of transportation will be added in place of those awful stairs. 

“I think that implementing this new transportation system will allow students to add some joy into their days,” Dr. Bob Gregorian, president of Pitt-Greensburg, said when asked about his thoughts on the new addition to campus. 

Studies show that child-like activities promote better learning for college students. In addition to the new slide, the school will be offering students Crayola crayons in place of the laptop computers that had been planned for next semester. 

“We’re not skimping,” Dr. Bob said. “I mean we’re going with the big boxes. All the colors.” 

A slide is the perfect substitute for these stairs, as it will add a more thrilling end to students’ long days of class, as well as getting rid of the worst part of the walk to class. 

“Of course we’ll be working with our team of 3000 university lawyers to ensure that students sign the necessary waivers to maintain safety and security on our campus,” Dr. Bob said. 

In the winter, there will be mats added at the bottom of the stairs to prevent additional slipping, due to ice. 

“We want all our sliding to be safe sliding,” Dr. Bob said. “We’ll be passing out helmets and kneepads along with the crayons. All safety accessories will be mandatory. Everybody will look just great!”

Senior Insect Extermination Major Jack Riggers says he’s thrilled the university is finally doing something about the stairs. 

“My knees hurt. My hips hurt. I can’t even play Halo,” Riggers said. “I think the slide will help. But I don’t know. We’ll see where our tuition dollars are going.” 

Not much information is currently available past what has already been stated. 

The school would like students to know that if they are on campus during summer to be aware of the construction and to start wearing their helmets immediately upon receipt. 

More information will be sent around to students’ emails, once construction is complete. 

Stay safe, and stay tuned.