“Madame Web:” Spider-Who?

If there’s one thing to take away from recent box office figures, it’s that Marvel and modernity don’t mix, especially if said Marvel film is one that’s panned by Marvel fans and cinema buffs alike. On the heels of the critically reviled “Morbius,” comes swinging in Sony and Marvel’s latest foray into the Marvel universe, “Madame Web.”

As soon as the trailer dropped and the line “He was in the Amazon with my mom when she was researching spiders just before she died,” was uttered, audiences knew to keep their expectations low. And, still, the film was met with even worse reactions than anticipated. The film quickly shot into virality once the first discouraging reviews came trickling in following its Valentine’s Day release.

The film, helmed by media darlings Dakota Johnson and Sydney Sweeney, follows the story of soon-to-be web-swinging clairvoyant, Cassie Web, as she comes into her spider powers and meets and bonds with three similarly afflicted teenage girls as they come into theirs. The disjointed exposition sees Cassie’s mom and the blatantly evil bad guy deep in the trenches of the Amazonian rainforest as they catalog rare, indigenous spiders. With camera zooms almost reminiscent of “The Office,” the film doesn’t start on the wrong foot so much as it immediately stumbles and falls flat on its face. And it’s all downhill from there. 

While the story is set in the early 2000s, the era is something that could be easily overlooked if not for the shoehorning of “American Idol” posters and Britney Spears songs. The subsequent action scenes fall flat, something that is only exacerbated by the film’s stale, cookie-cutter villain. And when it all culminates in an underwhelming climax? We haven’t spent nearly enough time with these characters to like them, much less care what happens to them. We only ever see brief snippets of the protagonists costumed up, so when the credits roll, it leaves the audience feeling underwhelmed, and a little bit cheated. “Madame Web” contains the bare bones of an action film, and hits its bases accordingly, but its problems stem from its lack of emotionally resonant characters and soporific action scenes.

Riddled with technical errors, odd directorial choices, and particularly bad ADR — or, automated dialogue replacement — Madame Web is hindered by lackluster acting and a stilted, clumsy script. The film’s only saving grace? The likelihood that the campy heights the bad writing, acting, and direction reach, might one day catapult “Madame Web” into “so bad it’s good” fame, right alongside classics like Ratatouille knockoff, “Ratatooing,” and cult classic, “The Room.”

To see “Madame Web” for yourself, get tickets at a theater near you.